Ten Disgusting Things Irish Traditional Flute Players Do

By Gavin Burnage (Gavin.Burnage@lang.ox.ac.uk)

1. Eat crisps immediately before playing, subsequently splattering those nearby with bits of chewed soggy potato.

2. Blow hard down the flute at irregular but frequent intervals so that the accumulated wet gunge goes on people's shoes (or earholes or other orifices, depending on the angle of the flute).

3. While playing, hold the end of the flute over people's pints of beer and cups of tea so the wet gunge drips slowly into the glass or cup as playing progresses. (Best done to other players' drinks, as they don't notice till it's too late.)

4. Between tunes, bounce the end of the flute gently on the knee so that the gunge runs out and leaves a soggy wet patch on their trounsers.

5. Insult fiddle players for playing tunes with notes lower than bottom D or C in (not disgusting unless you're a fiddle player).

6. Insert a peanut at the embouchure of the flute, close all holes, point flute at nearby dog or other pet as available, then blow hard. A successful strike on the dog/pet often depends on the blood/alcohol level of the flute player. Flute players with Low C# and C keys are reccomended to close those keys for that little extra accuracy and a slight but satisfying "zing".

7. As 6, except flute player mimes tune-playing for a few minutes after inserting the peanut. Then the aim can be at, say, a fiddle player doing tunes with too many low notes. After blowing, resume the mime/play position immediately so the fiddle player hasn't a clue where the attack came from. Repeat as necessary.

8. Try to rob drink from bars by pretending flute is the barrel of an antique gun and pointing it at bar staff (seldom succesful).

9. Use cork grease for (CENSORED).

10. Regularly smear flute with rancid oil (preferably oil from a tin of sardines past its use-by date) This also enhances the level of disgustingness achieved under items 2, 3, and 4.

The Flute: truly Irish Traditional Music's most disgusting instrument.